Thursday, June 28, 2012

Sometimes I get sad that I'm crying while I'm crying and it makes me cry harder.

It was Tuesday. I sloshed through the rain into work, sat down at my desk, and realized immediately that I left my notebook at home. Without it, my down time is spent staring numbly at the accounting program on my computer screen and feigning responsiveness when someone walks past by moving the mouse around a little. Knowing that its presence would be missed, I looked around for an alternative for it.

Because I'd rather not open a word document for personal use at work and accidentally have it open for people I don't want to have it open for, I settled for the empty days of my planner and the illusion
that I was furiously making plans all day. The ample amount of writing space available in each month was depressing in itself, though. "Look at all the days I apparently did nothing and had no plans--plenty of room to write some melodramtic stuff I think is wonderful right now but come Thursday I'll re-read and realize it must be destroyed." said me.

Eventually my melancholy had manifested into a blog post written across the pages of January and February that I'm so glad I didn't actually post. When I looked over it again, it was basically the diary entry of a teenage girl whose boyfriend didn't pay attention to her on prom night. And I hate when I get like that. Does anyone else know the feeling? It's when you'd like to throw yourself a pity party to freely pout and eat frozen yogurt and watch "Some Kind of Wonderful" 10 times in a row and egotistically think, "Fuck it--I'm cute and awesome" while simultaneously nurturing your multiplying number of insecurities. 

Again, teenage girl on prom night.

As I drove home through the rain Tuesday, I did start furiously making plans in my mind, having been freshly motivated by my melodrama.

And I was a little happy by the motivation, even if it came from a juvenile place. It's been a while since I've seen it so I barely recognized it, but here it was--ready to make me do stuff.

After Tuesday was over and Wednesday made good on its promise to show up, I plugged in my iPod to find this song had moved to my most played list. I had literally hit repeat all day Tuesday so that I was only listening to this over and over.

 Tuesday, I guess this is your song.

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