“Get Down for the Holidays” by Jenny O.
If you’re lucky enough to find yourself on the “invited” side of a Facebook holiday event, and you fall into the outgoing and socially normal part of the pie chart (there’s no actual pie chart), this post will help you calm down and take your extrovert attitude down a little. I mean, to some people your charming and easy-to-talk-to personality may be repulsive, so how about you stop being so gross about it?
These are some (of maybe a continued series?) helpful tricks and tips I’ve composed from intense dedication to understanding the social complicacies of awkward girls. And really, the dedication isn’t that impressive. I just mainly thought really hard about my own reactions and labeled that as “field work.” By following these suggestions, even girls who get photographed at nightclubs to help draw patrons will be sitting in a corner finishing a New York Times crossword puzzle on their phone while everyone else is playing beer pong. And I’m not sure if people even play beer pong at nightclubs, which should further my credibility in this area of advice. Impressed yet?
(Also, feel free to press play on today’s song. It’s a soft-spoken, quirky song—perfect company for this post and aspiring soft-spoken, awkward girls.)
What to Wear To A Holiday Costume Party
It’s always best to wear something boxy or round. Basically the key is to forget trying to accentuate your shape, but trying to achieve a literal geometric shape instead. Think an M & M candy. Snowman. Using a refrigerator box to dress up like a wrapped present. If it’s difficult for you to fit through the door, you’ve got the look. You’ll notice that you’ll get a lot more compliments than normal because people feel so uncomfortable that they have to say something, but they can’t be honest because that’s ridiculous, so it will most always be, “Oh, you look so cute.” Sometimes cute actually means cute, but sometimes it just means things are weird.
You See A Cute Guy Across the Room Under The Mistletoe
Immediately shut down and ignore him while still being wildly aware of his presence. If you are forced to talk to him, speak in a barely audible mouse voice and end the conversation quickly before he has time to realize you're not really mysterious, just incapable of speaking coherently for any long period of time. If all those romantic comedies you’ve spent your Saturday nights watching teach you anything, it’s that playing hard to get is always how the cute guy notices you, so it's totally fine you abruptly (or is it mysteriously?) stop speaking and act disinterested. Just remember, after a comical storyline about your idiosyncrasies, things will work themselves out and end with him at your doorstep in the snow with flowers. It may take a few years, but don’t give up hope on that guy you made eye contact and gave your number to via telepathic communication—he’s your date for New Year’s 2019!
And that should suffice for now. Let me know if you need more advice--I'm here for you.